The gentle compliment on a Tuesday night

This by far is the hardest blog I’ve written because I didn’t want to write it. I kept finding another reason not to finish it.

 

I’m learning to recognize hope when it shows up.

 

We all ask for it, signs that point us in the direction we need to go. I’m thinking the response comes relatively quickly to the request. It’s learning how to recognize the answers, and letting go of the type of answer I want to have. Hard thing to do.

 

My boys had a Jazz concert this week and the Director said he wanted to do something special and have the twins perform together.  At the end of his speech he dedicated the song to me. I was struck with the simple act and surprised myself sitting there holding back tears.

 

Afterward, I went to thank him and he told me how much he enjoyed the boys. He’s retiring and said that having them for the last two years really made it worth while and he knows that is attributed to me. He made me promise to serve their abilities, to push them, to honor their gift. I promised. He asked me to stay in touch. I am. He sees what I see. I hugged and thanked him through streaming tears.

 

Days later the experience is still with me and I’m deeply contemplative on its impact. I could easily be just appreciative of a teacher caring about my kids. In the grand scheme of ‘things’ this can become another ‘thing’ in a few years, maybe even forgotten. This man had 400 students that’s 800 parents (or so), a principal, meetings, competitions to win and no time for any other life…and yet he made time for me.

 

I said I was surprised with the impact this moment had and I realized it’s importance….I don’t receive appreciation. That’s why I didn’t give these smaller moments respect, or even recognized them when they showed up.

 

My life has been a lesson in self-reliance.  I’ve learned to accept that.  The problem is the conclusions this thinking brings.  My experience has shown me it’s challenging to lean on anyone, not for long anyway.  The relationship always seem to end with the person wanting me to be different, say things that fit them, think a new way, want, want, want. I’m just a lil tired of this experience.  So I don’t typically have high expectations on the relationship or the result….see this is depressing. 

 

Here’s the hard part…the mind scripts takes me to:

I don’t trust love when I hear it.
I don’t trust care when I feel it.

I don’t trust easily. 

 

Actually not sure I really trust anyone.  Since everything points inward then does this mean I don’t really trust me?  That little bit of self-reflection doesn’t sit right.  Maybe it’s not trusting myself but not trusting ‘how’ I saw conflict and contradiction.  My interpretation is the problem.  I think that’s the flaw, at least that’s the current interpretation. 

 

Conflict warps my being.  Maybe that’s what a panic attack feels like.  Never thought of it that way before.  The adult in me knows I can’t run from conflict but I so want to.  I just want to hide from you when it shows up. 

 

Oh shit I’m not being honest…this is really hard for me to admit….the real reason is I can feel you, hear you, breathe your breath as mine.  I know your thoughts, perceptions, hates, loves and it’s magnified in my being because they aren’t mine they are yours.   Your feelings hits me like a tidal wave and I’m drowning.  Emotionally it takes me days to recover and I’m drained of life. 

 

Such a relief to admit this. 

 

I’ve been dealing with this one from a child and only realized what’s been happening to me since last year.  Everyone has internal conflict and I’ve not been able to trust because I can hear and see what’s behind what you’re saying.  The trick is learning it’s none of my business.  We’re all entitled to the crazies. Some of you have such a level of hate it sucks the life out of me when I get close to it.  So I’ve been running from you which has me running from me and I have to stop.

 

We are also entitled to privacy and I know I can’t keep my arm up, this is starting to hurt me too much.  In having a wall up to you I’m not able to receive….anything.  We all need the small moments that usher calm, love, caring and compassion. I think that’s why I hold onto any peace I have with fervor.  I have to find ways to cope.  Ways to deal with all the emotions around.  It’s figuring out the code that will get me there.

 

So I’m becoming more quiet, because I’m frankly tired. I’m generally introspective so quiet feels natural.  This is my fix. 

 

In promising the music Director to serve the dreams of my children I have to serve mine.  I have to make steps toward me.  I’ve been afraid to live because of how intensely I feel.  I’m learning to open-close-open.  So I’m looking at the stillness in moments to blanket me.  To help carry me closer to trust through the gentle compliment from a band director on a Tuesday night.  It’s these quiet moments that I’m now searching for.  The ones that come wrapped in peace and acceptance.  I think this will help me lower my arm and receive.

 

Hope comes in the seconds and I’m going to collect them.