Becoming a woman is work. You cannot claim it due to age, (laughing). There is no easy way to this one, it is embracing accountability. I used to run from that, and say lovely sentences that made me believe I had it together. It is funny how quickly bullshit becomes human.
I can look back at all the conflicts and see how denial spun her web. Every single incident, or break-up, happened because I allowed fiction to become the foundation.
This is about paying attention to how I define myself, and if my actions are in alignment. I have been evaluating certain words and how definitions became normal. I see how some meanings were from the girl, and they needed to be cracked open to reveal the gifts. This is the only way to fuel empowerment and step into worth – Value has no bargaining chips.
There were moments when I knew what was being said was just not quite right, and I ignored that nudge and stepped into Denial’s gown. I looked good too. It hugged all the right places, flowed around my hips and thighs, kicked away perfectly as I walked, and I could change the color in a blink of my mind’s eye. Today I am seeing it in a cream, and it is made of silk, with small straps. Sigh..you should see what I am really wearing. That is reality though, isn’t it? What we think, and can fake, is a whole lot better than what we are hiding.
I am wondering if this kind of denial increases levels of hormones and neurotransmitters? If it is making you feel good, and our thoughts influence what is happening in our bodies, it makes sense that it would. It’s so easy to feed that falseness, the neediness, and the addiction begins.
Then I started turning this word ‘friend’ over in my palm. The word is like a Rubix’s Cube. There are so many combinations to success, and what happens before is a right mess. We aren’t allowed to twist this Rubix’s Cube around to create the world we want, yet some do. Maturity helps us know which friendships make us better by filling us up, and which tear us down. So what does this word friendship mean to me?
First, I want it to mean honesty. What’s surprising is that I have to define that word. I have noticed how quickly people, and I was one, used it with little understanding as to the follow up it takes. This word is hard work. If they or you are in denial this is just a fine mess. Laughing at the memories I actually thought were intimate, not just sexual, intimacy in sharing and connecting. Such an impossible chase. Lying to myself when all I was chasing is dopamine, or whatever is in the high. The crash cometh.
I have come to realize that if I do not understand what someone’s truth is, I am being dishonest. A personal truth could be fantastic and allow both to flourish, or it could be a load of bullocks. It depends on intention. People will show you their intention quickly. The secret to hearing it is to not be in denial. Ha! Kick in the pants ain’t it. I just love this stuff!
Here is the next truth: Friendships aren’t forever. If you’re telling yourself that, yep lying – denial. If you are in your 40s and making pinky finger promises, “holy shit balls Batman”, the timber will fall. Although you may not hear it because you are too busy looking at your cute pinkies, while the woods/world shatters around you. So maybe that is good for you.
I stayed in my marriage too long because I was busy trying to make forever work, and doing all the things to keep that, instead of looking really hard at the things that were not working. If only I spent the time looking at him, and speaking plainly about what the issues were, and therefore being brave enough to hear what he had to say. I am not saying that we would still be together, we would not. That is not the point. We cannot use the word honesty as a base requirement. then lying to create a normal everyday. That is a cop out, and those of you doing it know it. Keep the denial baby, I can guarantee ain’t no escaping ‘bitch’….which your life will become.
The next truth with ‘friends’ is that it has boundaries. That is a foundation in respect. Some actions stand alone and there is nothing you can do with them, there is no forgiveness. No it does not mean I am harboring anger, it means abuse is abuse, however small or slight, the result is the same. Somethings we should not do to each other. Speaking up means you have arrived. And no, it does not mean I think the person is an ass****, just their actions. I could not hold the entire human locked in a vice, that is wrong, a woman knows this.
Habits, behaviors, can be filled with trickery. If you are really honest with yourself you will know where the lies are. It is having the bravery to face them and respecting truth, that is hard and the only way for Love to emanate.
When you are no longer willing to be in denial, I cannot lie, it is like ripping the muscle from your bones, and finding all those hidden cells that have false ideas trapped inside their tiny beings, and throwing it out. It hurts. It burns. It blows. It is bottom.
I know this is hard to believe, unless you have been there, but ripping away Denial’s gown is the best gift you can give yourself. It is the only way you can start to build intimacy. We cannot create forever with anyone if we are are giving/living small truths: there is no now, there is only the past and you have capped the future.
You are not living anything real until then, and you have devalued your currency – life. My words will continue to be re-defined. It is time for an evolution and I am doing it because you are worth it, as am I. Namaste.