What defines an end, and starts a beginning? I do not think there are such things, it’s just what I tell myself on the path of believing better.
I went to see my numerologist friend to get her much needed advice. Truth is interesting. It’s a cord that resides in us always, and when someone says something that vibrates that cord we immediately know what they are saying is true. Everything starts from within.
In turn when someone speaks an un-truth I have an abrasive sensation that rubs against my Truth cord in the wrong way, and I feel that something isn’t ‘right’.
So she tells me I’m getting ready to graduate and I need to pass the test. The next few months will have some challenges and to stay in touch to get through it. “If you don’t pass you’ll repeat these lessons, do you want that?”
“Hell no!” As I said this, I had a flash as to what the challenge would be, and knew what she was saying was true. I did not like it. So I went right into denial, and tapped into that carefree feeling, like swinging on a swing as a child. I love that feeling. It’s an instant feel good. This need created a familiar chase and in came the chaos.
The drive home was funny, in hindsight. :) Went something like this…
“Darn it! I’m gonna pass this test and I don’t care if I slide in sideways, with my last breath, bleeding! Wait! Change the test! I mean you, (looking upward), can change the test. I’ve come a far way and I don’t need that. I mean who am I proving myself to anyway? Myself…so I don’t need to prove anything…..Damn it!”
Insert happy song. More denial, through singing this time.
“OK. OK. I got this. I can do it. And I can do it better. I don’t have to be on my ass when I face this challenge. I can do it with grace! Oh crap! That’s the real test isn’t it to stand up, be a woman, honor myself, my voice through it all?” The real burden comes and I know this is true.
My brother told me many, many years ago, “there are three sides to every story: what you say, what they say, and the truth.” One of the best nuggets I’ve received.
The pursuit in life, is connecting to truth more than not. The problem is that it is subject to our whims, desires, needs and confusions. With maturity comes discernment. So what really creates an un-truth? Attachment.
If I have an attachment to an outcome, I may alter my words, and personal truth to co-create that need. Behavior can only be learned, it is not innate. Truth is innate and from it stems goodness. If my behavior is not attached to Truth, and it is manipulated to suit the false need, there’s going to be a consequence that won’t make me happy! That’s inevitable.
When I faced my demons, and this challenge, I had to face all the sentences that I allowed into my life from this person, that discounted my humanness, and in turn Love. They would even back track on their words, and pretended I misunderstood them. Turn the phrases around to things like “why would I say that?”….it’s an intentional mind game. I kept asking myself “where is the Truth?” And I immediately heard exactly where the lie was. I hold myself responsible, because they would never have spoken this way if I didn’t allow it. This was one of the hardest conversations/conflicts I’ve faced. The words that spun circles around me were “I told you what you wanted to hear.”
Never say these words to another. They destroy everything. (They are intended to do that.)
In a way, I’m glad they denied the words. It’s a hard thing to face admitting you said that to someone. They already decided they didn’t want me in their life and the use of the sentence is evidence. I was living the result and didn’t know it. When the conflict came, I was not going to alter my voice to suit. We all want to know we matter. That is why we try to connect with each other. We want to know our struggle in this human world, stumbling around, making mistakes, and trying and trying, matters for something. If we have made a connection that resides in falseness, or the person is not being truthful during the experience, it removes our own existence from the experience. We may as well not have been there. That’s how those words made me feel. It erased my existence.
Nothing is hidden. Nothing. It’s the lie we tell ourselves to keep the attachments at hand. If someone can be unkind to one person, do ‘wrong’ to me they will do it to others, and they likely have a trail. Behaviors are choices. We all get to choose what is in our lives, and how we want to live. Actions are the template, and we are always showing each other who we really are. Remove expectations and the truth is seen.
So how do I let that go? By facing the needs, expectations, and attachments I’ve placed on this person.
Let me say, in friendships, if you can’t trust the person that’s supposed to have your back then it’s a mind f***! This person took my trust and violated it. I also know the reaction those words will cause. It’s still true. When you give trust and someone, intentionally, abuses it, it is a violation, of your words, your life, your body, your soul, your emotions…everything. There is an expectation in friendships that this will not occur. So the trust is real for the person giving it, it is not real for the other person, even if they are claiming they are receiving it. It’s their lie, hence, they can violate it as easily as the next breath of air.
So back to how do I let go? Cutting cords with someone is not easy. It’s really about cutting cords within yourself. The questions begins and ends within. It’s a question of:
“What is it that resides in me that allows these actions in my life?”
I let the answers come, and I cut the cord to each answer.
No more running from myself and excusing and pointing fingers. The past will NOT hold me back. Nor the people that do not have my heart in their actions.
Letting go is growing up, and stepping away from childish games. Learning to speak as a woman takes courage, because you’re often doing it alone. I do not need ‘buy’ in from others. They will either see who I am, or they will not. Maturity has nothing to do with age, it has a voice, it has no use for things not of service, it has no use for ‘takers’, it has no use for things ‘wrong’.
Yes there is right and wrong. I used to think these two words were too categorical and unforgiving. I’ve come to see that was my excuse for keeping my false needs alive. Truth is not subjective. Facing Truth is HARD, that’s when you know you’re looking at it. Love cannot take part in harming itself, those are the other things. Nor can it stand by and watch it be destructive to people I love. Saying “no” to certain actions is crucial to maturity.
Oh this is the best, from my numerologist after I explained this difficult conflict, she said “aren’t you glad to be you, instead of them? I’m proud of you, you trusted. You don’t trust and you did it. Keep being you.” I am proud of myself. In the height of chaos I held onto that inner fiber of Truth. I let it guide my shaking, crying voice. I spoke up however I could. When you look toward service to guide your path, everything that is disingenuous, and does not serve must be seen. Then it’s time to choose.
Life, living, happiness, joy, love, all starts with Truth. It cannot be otherwise. If so, it’s a chase into nothingness. And the chase starts every second till you’re worn thin. I remember.
The chase ends. The beginning begins.