Thirty Plus Days, Forever

The chemistry of mind is different from the chemistry of love. The mind is careful, suspicious, he advances little by little. He advices “Be careful, protect yourself” Whereas love says “Let yourself, go!” The mind is strong, never fells down, while love hurts itself, fells into ruins. But isn’t it in ruins that we mostly find the treasures? A broken heart hides so many treasures.  ~ Shams Tabrizi

 

I think I was 7 when I first met my Uncle Azweem. That’s when I saw what love meant or should mean. He came into my little life and gave me air to breathe. I craved him from that moment on. My search is winding down. Because in looking for him I was looking for me.

 

He grew up like they all did with the same parentage and failings.  Yet he stood out amongst the thorns, consciously so. I lived in a home where they thought protecting hearts from feelings was the way.  They just held themselves from love and therefore lost it’s expression. I’ll continue to meditate for them, they didn’t know any better. That’s why Flow brought him to me.

 

He was found close to his fedora and today I have a few.  They bring me to his essence and those first moments.  He sat me in his lap, cupped my face and said, “this life is beautiful and wants you to smile to it. It wants to live through you. So know your heart and keep it safe. Listen to it, it will tell you all you need to know. That’s how you trust yourself…and that’s how life gives you everything. And it wants to give you everything….and know the others, and not let their voices become your voice that’s when bad things happen. Let them go quickly.” Being a mere child I had no idea what he meant but I felt the magic come through his lips, and I held on to the words, forever.

 

I think we all have moments that bewitch us into life.  Salvation comes hidden in those spaces.

 

My life only experienced him for about thirty days or so. Each time he expanded me into Divine Caring, and held me up high to see that view. I loved that he called me “my little daughter”. He embraced my human body and explained how to touch my soul. Telling me that I was beautiful in a time when I had no idea what that was. On his last visit, we spent a mere 3 hours together and I drank every second in, allowing him to tell me the meaning of life.

 

Forever his imprint resides comfortably in my soul. He returned to England and died that year. I was twenty-three I think. I’m sorry, I need to apologize for not remembering such precious details.

 

A single detail allows life to flourish…so just imagine what a handful can do.

 

I was discussing an issue a friend was having and the question was “how can they be this way?”

 

I said “they were always this way. We all are. We all have these sides in us. It’s not the similarities that unite us deeper into love, it’s what happens after the differences surface…how do we show up? That’s what I wait for and want to see. Do we let go or do the judgments come in? The compartmentalization and versions remove intimacy instantly. Then it’s another waiting period to see if you can both truly forgive and be who we are again. Then the questions change: can we let go and get back to remembering who we were? Can they still get excited when they see me, or will their eyes take on the false gleam?”

 

So why am I interjecting this into my Uncle’s story? The soul wants to speak through the details. This is what he was saying “notice”.

 

 

How are you touched? When my Uncle touched me he did it with loving intention and I felt care.

 

How are you spoken to, with gentleness or carelessness? When he spoke to me it was delicacy and he listened to my childish meanderings with eyes and skin.

 

Am I in your words or are you in your words?  He let me know I mattered and my voice deserved to be heard and spoken.  Life is to be shared not taken.  Choose with whom you share.

 

Do you WANT to make up afterwards, allowing the urge to make it right override everything, or not? He showed me being wrong is beautiful and humility shows us so.  Do your part and let the rest be for them to notice or not.

He brought me self-awareness. When you are aware of your voice, and willing to be humble, you expand into Divine Love each and every time…that’s freedom, that’s whole. It’s the details. It’s the differences. It can only come on Honesty’s coat.

 

Soul meetings of this magnitude become interwoven, forever. I wouldn’t want to change that. Rather I embrace his continual visits. When he comes his presence fills the room, the rush of love wrapping itself around me. I feel his arm around my shoulders like no time has left. Then he talks to me and tells me what I’ve forgotten and reminds me that I’m beautiful in every moment, especially the perceived flawed ones. And he’s said “that’s where you shine the brightest, when you’ve fallen, because you aren’t afraid to fall. Not anymore. If they see you then they deserve you…if they don’t, well let it be. Fall and fall again. Each time you are willing to be from your heart, and give your kindness, you help Us All expand. Such is The Seeking.”

 

I didn’t want to share my Uncle with you because I’m protective of these spaces as they are so few and need to be held close.  His message overrides mine.  I hope his pristine presence fills your heart and you touch the simplicity of wonderment, helping you, and us all, receive what life is trying to give us.

 

Happy New Year…

 

 

 

“We can only learn and advance with contradictions. The faithful inside should meet the doubtful. The doubtful should meet the faithful. Human slowly advances and becomes mature when he accepts his contradictions.” – See more at: http://esotericquotes.com/shams-tabrizi/#sthash.z0oAdLZi.dpuf

Wonderment: A Love Letter

Wonderment is my new favorite word. I love how it rolls around my tongue and livens my senses. It’s like I’ve turned on all the lights in my being from soul to bone. It’s the connective tissue that I think humanity needs more of. I know I need more of it.

 

I rediscovered it during a recent meeting on the arts. To launch the discussion the moderator asked us to each go back to a time of wonderment; a moment where we held that childlike amazement for something that we connected to. I can feel the same smile as I think back. You should have seen the pleasure that came across everyone’s face. It was wonderful to witness the instant transformation and the lovely energy that immediately entered the room…we were magnets for all good.

 

I have two such moments that came to mind. The first, being 12 and hearing Shakespeare for the first time. I became jelly. Every other Sunday they would play Shakespeare’s plays on the telly, in black ‘n’ white no less. I remember looking at Laurence Olivier as Hamlet and not understanding hardly any of it, I was glued. My mother came to me and asked if I knew what was going on…I did and didn’t….I didn’t care. I was happy in my place of fascination.

 

El Capitan by Ansel Adams

The second is seeing El Capitan in Yosemite. The sheer magnitude of this mountain creates instant humility and grandeur simultaneously. All my senses were open and I was soaking in his immense power. Granite is dense so you can imagine the depth of wisdom that energetically exudes from within. It’s the kind of quiet power that I think could only come from God.

Nature is amazing. I often feel different energies from it. For example, trees feel playful to me especially when the wind comes along and the branches start to dance. I can almost hear children giggling. The ocean, this is my peace, it’s always been my womb. I’ve grown up around the ocean and it’s were I went to find myself. The ocean and I have a love affair that I can’t explain without poetry…

 

the ocean keeps a sacred space for me

whispering, “you are loved as you are,

rest in us and let us heal you”

I’ve cried, my tears unnoticeable

mixed with clear blue and salt

washing away the false versions

giving me open, and

my soul finds refuge from me

 

There are things that brings magic to my door. I am forever transformed into better in these small spaces that are larger than the moment holds. My Christmas lights are twinkling back at me in agreement. This is especially important as this was a year of collapse.

 

Things had to break down that no longer served me. I came into awareness and I’ve acknowledge many things I have to let go of. It’s been a challenging year in reflection. An emotional upheaval is more like it. But I’m no longer running from my emotions. So I’m starting the next year with an emptiness that is fulling. I don’t want to fill the unfurnished spaces, rather I will seek and allow wonderment to fill the void with the pieces that fit me.

 

I’ve let go with the need to be right. In fact, I want to be wrong. That means I’m evolving and growth is nipping at my heels. I want to apologize. So humility is going to be my guide to help me stay in a place of wondrous curiosity and love. That place of feeling awe is connected to creativity. This is where All things flourish and is waiting to be noticed. I’m telling it “I notice”.

 

As the last year leaves when the clock touches the next simple second, I’ll ceremoniously let things go that I can’t keep, and allow the marvel of magic to seep into my cells and shape them as they will.

 

 

The Fallacy of Pride

I’ve been thinking on this next post and wanted it to be a closure of sorts…not that that’s possible. Everything is as it is, and can only continue from itself. It just seemed important to end the year with a deeper level of self-awareness.

 

In looking back on my life, it seems impossible for me to be here. I used to be terribly shy. I know that sounds weak. But it caused intense panic attacks; my shyness used to ruin my life. Even admitting this is freaking me out a bit. No one knew I was too embarrassed to share it.

 

I developed false Pride as a protective mechanism. Pride can be a separator from love and therefore truth. And the screaming that came from living in my head dulled all sound. Separation was a constant.

 

It’s terrifying to admit these things because I’m a business woman and yet this is the path that designed my strength. It was the act of managing a business that forced me into the role of marketing and the ‘pitch’. I had to go out and talk to people…it was the worst. That’s how the Universe works especially when you ask for better. It showed me where I wasn’t and had to get to fixin’.

 

The attacks used to be so bad I would drive away from the networking event without ever going in. Sitting in the car feeling the heat covering my neck and face, then the bile would rise up giving me that taste. When my insides and hands started shaking I would rest my head on the steering wheel trying to breath through it. Worthless efforts. As soon as my palms started sweating it was over. My brain would lock up and my voice went with it. Sensibilities gone. I would head to a coffee shop and wait it out. Come up with false scenarios to tell my husband.

There’s nothing worse than the feeling of knowing you’re trapped inside yourself…seeing it, feeling it and dying for it to leave, whatever ‘it’ is.

 

Just thinking on ‘it’ I can feel my heart palpitate and my lungs squeeze making it hard to breathe. My palms are even sweating. Oprah says you’re NEVER to cry in the boardroom, well I did that. You’re supposed to fake it till you make it, everyone knew I was faking it because they could see and hear it. This was just about 6 years ago too. I had so much shame in these moments. Feelings of inferiority. They set the template with how I would perceive myself for years. (I so want to run from myself right now.)

 

These attacks taught me to falsely protect my emotions. Well that’s not true it just encouraged something I learned from young. I became closeted. The worst is not being able to think through situations. Today this still affects me. When I’m in shock I just can’t think, my mind goes black.  I think in pictures so black space is horrific. All words are gone and therefore no way to explain myself. A few days later clarity comes and I have perfect answers. By that time I feel so foolish I don’t want to say anything. I mean I’m an adult surely this should be over by now?! It’s like my body has a hidden automated response…death just shows up and well that’s all there is in that moment.

 

In comes Pride, my protection.  Encouraging me to be closed off.

 

I did get over it though brute force. I made myself walk into meetings over and over again. It was awful. I’m in construction and in attending one of my first local association meetings, I walk into a room filled with men. Yep the “good ole boy club” stood there staring back me. It was everything bad. I was belittled, ignored, looked down upon…my neck is burning at the memory. Forcing myself through this was hard.

 

This is how I developed humor and it’s the equalizer. It shifted the attention from me allowing everyone to experience the same emotions and energy giving me breathing room to cope. I just didn’t realize what I was teaching myself at the time. Humor was my fall back plan. Eventually, I learned my business so well that the shy started to dissipate. Feeling confident is a beautiful thing. Once you have it…well…there’s peace.

 

This is crucial to admit as I want to move into healthier relationships and change the way I see the shut down when it happens.  I can’t live that way anymore.  The push to clear things out is so powerful I don’t even know how to tie this post to anything. I’m just freely writing and purely for self-preservation.
Time has come for all of these things to be seen, unhidden. I’m thankful that I now abhor the disconnected feeling from life. I can tell when I’m in it and do my best to recover however painful.

 

I’m feeling chills as I write I don’t know what changes are coming…but it’s here already. I hope pushing past the desire to escape is worth it. I think this shut down is tied to my childhood. There were many times when ‘my voice’ was worthless.  I had to remain quiet, that was self-preservation. Now I’m praying for a Christmas wish: “to have these side effects leave me, to have the shut down dissipate and that I’m able to be in touch with the abilities that I already have, and speak my voice”.

That would be a great way to start the New Year. The shy me is going to run and hide now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Year Comes Into Another

I recently attended a community arts meeting, left excited and more fused into my deeper purpose. It was a massive idea generator and invigorating to put it mildly. These programs are to serve the neglected groups of our society helping bring the arts, education, inspiration and mentorship to people that need it. Someone said “some of these kids don’t know How To Dream, and they need to be taught”. I froze. My entire body, mind and spirit came together in a collision and I was locked into a moment.

 

…and he’s looking right at me too…chills!

Can you imagine this? Pause for a moment and let these words sink in….what if you didn’t know how to dream and didn’t have one?

 

My heart aches with these words. Take my dreams away and I’m nothing. No desire. No wants. No striving. Nothing.

 

I realize if you’ve never had them then you don’t know what you’re missing. One ache just replaces another. I mean it’s not like I’m a published author….not yet. Boy do I ache for that. Right now I’m loving that I have THIS anguish rooted in my stomach. I remember ignoring my desires…oh shit, the stress in my body is immediate with the memory. I don’t want to go back there. There’s just this hollow emptiness and no care for life. I don’t want to assume what these kids are feeling, or impose my desires on them, but I think this daily repetition is a slow suffocation.

 

Creativity is necessary to life. That’s what change is. They go hand in hand. Life needs it for itself.

 

That’s why I love December, during this time of year my being slows way down. All the scurrying, trying to make more hours in the day, vanish. I become nurturing. I relish it. I can feel the energies rolling in like a slow mist and engulfing me in mildness.

 

So of course Serendipity would bring me this meeting; coupling further into December’s purpose. It’s the fuel I needed in reflecting on the year and looking at the next one. I don’t want stagnant anything. There’s no energy exchanged. Everything is energy and for things to grow they need dedicated time.  Otherwise it’s loose ends dangling about driving me mad.

 

I want to feed the things that care for and fuel my soul. This is the push I’m feeling intensely. Hence the depth of the writings…simplicity, versions, insanity, intimacy, potential, feelings, and honor. Everything leads to everything.

 

There’s a Guyanese dish called Pepper Pot and made for special occasions. It’s one crazy dish. It’s a meat stew that takes about two days to simmer. Typically made spicy and eaten with fresh, dense bread. Delish. This is my Pepper Pot month, with the year being the simmer. It’s the combination of all the ingredients that I’ve written about that needed to come together. The dish is dense, spicy, fun, rich and best shared. I’m in it.

 

My mom made the best Pepper Pot. People would come visit and request it. She would fret because that meant nurturing this for the next two days, not what she had planned. She did it anyway.

 

What dreams may come? They are here. Thankfully I’m breathing them in.

I’m not afraid to face my feelings any longer. They give me riches beyond my knowing.

 

I’m holding the things I love very close to my heart and letting them flourish outward. These are my eternal guides. I’ll do my best to let them steer my tongue. And when I forget I’ll become quiet until the memory comes again.

 

I’m keeping my dreams and desires sacred. I’m hoping to mentor these kids and I’m know they will teach me forever more than I can teach them. I want to have more experiences that encourage each other to ‘be’ who we are. Whole, as we are. I’m not allowing just anyone into my dream space. Only those that can speak from reverence and love for what I care for will be shown this beauty. To be whole is to act from it and my inner circle will only have those individuals that can honor that, for me and I for them.

 

The next year is going to be interesting. I can feel it driving to rush toward me. The next few weeks I’ll relish this pepper pot. Slowing embracing everything that I’ve been through. Look at what needs to leave. Choose what needs to stay. I’ll continue my growth as an energy sensitive as I’m no longer running from that calling either. I’ll allow what needs to expand by developing into a deeper meditation practice. I know that my foundation of ‘Intuitive Trust’ will become an even bigger guidance system and I’m excited about that. Spirituality is first and I’m dedicating myself deeper into this through a sacred practice.

 

For business, I’m making changes and I’m scared. It’s not the first time I’ve been here though. My first company was started from something new. I jumped in, got muddy, learned and succeeded while raising toddlers. This should be a piece of cake.

 

My boys have removed all my excuses. I’ve seen them dedicate their time toward being better at music. Practicing some 6 hours in a day. Yes I realize they don’t have to deal with adult ‘things’ in life. That’s not the point. If they can continue to practice through aching muscles and frustration then I can get up an hour earlier and write. Since witnessing this I’ve dedicated much of my time towards my craft and this will continue.

 

After a recent conversation with an artist friend we both said that our year needs to have engagement with peers. This is so very true. This encouragement is necessary. So I’m going to look at my landscape for those individuals and groups that can nurture this side.

 

No more versions. You’re not going to be in my inner circle if the versions show up. Life’s too damn short to be chasing this tail. The people I love, and if we mutually want to be around each other, are going to know I care for them.

Namaste

My life is full, loving, fun, and rich with experiences…I’m smiling thinking on what can possibly come next.

 

As the year comes into another, and during its final weeks, I will relish my choices…my design.  I want to be as fully engaged in the moments as I’m able. I want more nurturing experiences so I’m dedicating energy toward my path.

 

Consciousness requires deliberation, and life can only occur through inclusion.  There’s nothing happening otherwise. 

Honor finds the riches in Wrongness

I suddenly realized that I have ‘honorable’ men in my life. I was rather surprised. My past choices have left me on the floor in frustration, pleading to ‘the above’ to show me those parts so I can learn. Imagine my joy to see that I’ve made changes and able to recognize it.  Makes me very, very happy.

 

One of them has been a friend for some time and as things go character is always the base drum it’s just recognizing it so.

 

The beauty is that I have gents that are contributing to my life and wanting to. See he saw me during a time when I lay broken on the ground. Took me out for coffee and conversations to help me. There were a few friends that did this during this time. I love that cushioning. They gave me freedom to fall. It’s only recently in looking back that I see what a gift this was.  I was too jaded to see it so.

 

This time of year brings on reflection with intent.

 

I told them “thank you for being there during that time it means more to me than I can say. You never held anything against me. Not once did you treat me with disrespect. You’ve held onto the better version of me. Thank you for holding this space for me.”

 

This became profoundly important to say because I did and am experiencing the opposite. Here I am again looking at someone looking at me through false glasses.

 

Someone I considered close, that I thought could ‘see’ me, instead they expressed a shallow version and I was sent reeling. That’s the thing we don’t have what we think. We only have what’s shown and that’s often temporary.

 

There’s nothing to do….that’s the deeper sadness. I’ve quietly slipped sideways, letting them be what they need to keep, to keep me away. It’s the erasing of what was shared that’s hard to bear. Altered realities seems to mess with the time continuum. As some things fall away other things come to surface.

 

I’m focusing on what’s here.  I am grateful to see honor expressed from a man, it is a beautiful thing to witness. I’ve seen it in my father, far too seldom times. I’m still glad I did. When a man is in that space, his shine is vastly bigger than the place he sits. I don’t even know if I can truly express this beauty. I just remember witnessing it young, and my soul smiled. I craved this experience and that’s been a large part of my searching.

 

As necessary feminism was, and all the good it has done for many women, it has also ripped men and women apart from each other. Created a vast separation that now has communicating from defense, proving, arguments. There is an equal and opposite reaction to everything…if that’s true then it makes sense that the fiery force of this movement would have an extremely opposite result.

 

When I was married, one thing we observed with couples is how rude they were to each other in public. Men saying disparaging things about their wives when she left, and women cutting their ‘men’ down at the knees with a sick look of pleasure. I shudder at the illness. We said that’s not something we should ever do. What problems we have need to stay in our house and never insult each other in public.

 

Then it happened.

 

I’ll never forget the shock I felt. I don’t want to. I want to remember the moment and NEVER do it to another. We were at dinner with friends and “……..” was spoken. He didn’t even recognize the horror on my face and the shame I felt for both of us. If there was a moment we were over it was then. It’s the same with this recent experience. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to create a false view of someone and speak to them from that place.  The heartache keeps me humble.

 

I’ve known for some time that what I know isn’t good enough and I needed a new version of a man, men.

 

So in order to erase my past views of men I’m expanded my horizon. I’m looking and paying attention to ‘how’ I want a man to talk to me. I want to learn how a man wants to be spoken to. I’m reading about men and women. This is the next experience for me.

 

“What you are seeking is seeking you”.

 

So just imagine my excitement when I see these men in my life giving me honor and grace. My smile is sweet. The Divine Feminine won’t settle for less. She wants it for us all. So these are my next conversations…

 

I’m willing to be wrong. It’s more powerful than wanting to be right. I want to smash what I know because most of it didn’t work. I want to expand into the richness of wrongness. I want to grow into my friendships with males and females from this place of humility.

 

Wrongness has a depth we’ve underestimated.

 

I’m willing to break apart from what I know because that’s truly expanding and this is what my soul wants. My soul doesn’t want to be right, it wants to experience. And the only way to experience is to screw up. Being wrong, the mistakes, shame, the things we blame ourselves for, these things that we’ve labeled poorly are the very things that expand us beyond ourselves into reverence. That’s what the Universe wants. It’s own survival is based off expansion not complacency.

 

I’m walking, and Honor is the gift of humility that I’m taking into the next moment with you.

 

Pretense can’t hide from Feelings

When I left Barbados at 18, I was terrified with being away from my family for the first time and living on my own. I think the fear, the circumstances in leaving my island, being thrown into lives with strangers (for a shy person that’s the worst), and discovering a new culture was an overwhelming shock to my system.  I went into numbness and carried pretense as a form of protection to my exposed emotions. For that young girl I didn’t have ‘the stuff’ to guide me through that upheaval.

 

I think in the first 6 months I heard “so you’re here to chase the American Dream?”. There was much pride expressed with this question so I soaked up that energy, especially having being starved for anything feeling good. I’m smiling thinking on the naivete, my sweet innocence.

 

I remember talking with others from that sweetness, that gentleness, and how often I was ridiculed. Scoffed at for coming from a place that’s considered part of the Third World – for clarity that’s apparently a bad thing. I was even ashamed with the attachment to Barbados and that started Americanizing. I immediately gravitated toward this dream and cast aside my own and my past. I set out in search for my cloud that held my white picket fence.

 

 

Let me say this, America is one of the greatest countries on Earth. There’s access here that’s unfathomable and I think many take it for granted. We will help a child on the street if we saw one.  Anyone can get help for anything if they chose to. I learned non-judgment in Barbados and this country showed me how to practice it. We can pick up and re-start everyday; there’s opportunity to do so. I am grateful to be living in such a giving country. I am also aware of the flaws that we hide behind.

 

I see so many young women already planning their degrees and lives to ‘catch’ the right guy so they can have that life. I also see so many young men already learning how to choose a woman that will ‘present’ well to the world. Both of them willing to settle on existence and mediocre sex for the REST OF THEIR LIVES.  I remember this person well.

 

My sister recently said this to me…“This life is rare. We’re never going to have it again. We can’t. This life is rare. I wish if people would get that.”

 

Those words hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

I thought about the damage this space of pretending brings….

 

It has has no Energy. It is void of all things….Love, feelings, emotions, kindness, therefore it is empty of God, the Universe, Energy, and whatever word you’d like to use here. For me Love is interchangeable with God. If there is an act, thought, voice, that expresses from no Love then we have removed Energy from the interaction and therefore there is no expansion, no growth. We have nothing if there’s no Energy exchanged.

 

There is no relationship.  There is no coupling.  There is no friendship.  It’s all fiction.  We THINK we are creating life in fact we are contributing to it’s death. I personally think the world is reflecting our state of thinking and words that are disconnected from care. It is expressing our conflicts, acts of suppression, avoidance, deliberate ignorance, pretense. All of these things are a perfect platform for greed. For being a taker.

 

So what am I saying, if we’re in pretense even for a sliver for a second, we are in a space void of our purpose.  No surprise really how so many of us are always looking for purpose as if it’s a shirt we’ve misplaced. It’s the very essence of who we are, our gifts, me writing this blog, when I’m painting, when I’m laughing with you, when I touch and hug you, when I say I’m sorry and never bring up the ‘thing’ to cause pain.

 

I think many people see God, The Universe, Energy, Flow as something that external. This I disagree with wholeheartedly. My entire being rejects the very idea. I am, you are a part of the whole. So what the Universe wants I want. What God wants I want. Flow is a part of me.  When I’m ‘tapped’ into Love, the greater Flow, takes over.

 

So when I was busy creating the American Dream I was creating my coffin. Collecting the wood, glue, nails every day. So the bigger question is why? Why did I do this? Why are so many doing it now?

 

To hide from the pain feelings bring.

 

To desensitize myself from the pain I was in at 18 and not capable to cope with it all. I didn’t have anyone guiding me to tell me “feel, feel this life…we’re supposed to.” Something I recently told my boys when they were going through a very hard moment. I held them quietly in care and love, gently reminding them to feel the pain. “Suppression is a disease that starts slowly and eventually HAS to surface in your life. It CANNOT stay hidden. You will likely, unconsciously, make decisions from this state, who you will marry if that’s what you want, what kind of job you want to have, the kind of friends. Be careful here.  Feel your experience don’t hide from it.”

 

When I was living this way, I had an overall rudeness, a disgruntled view of others and life. I doubted others success. I was negative and arrogant. Sounds familiar? Yes the ego took over. Let’s paint the false pictures in a life, we will never have again, so we can pretend we have a life worth living. And we wonder why the world is fucked up as it is. Everything starts here. Energy is everything. We are energy. Energy is the Universe.

 

I’ve spend so many years running from feelings. Running as hard and fast as I can from the very thing I am. How can I run from the Universe…myself?

 

My commitments that I’ve recently made to myself have become my map. They are guiding me along and my road is paved in feelings. It’s going to be bumpy. I’m good with that. It’s going to push me in areas I didn’t see coming; I’m not resisting that.

 

I’ve also come to realize that kindness is the way to my heart. I love my sweet naivete and glad to have her back. I reject the space of pretense the moment it starts to approach and I’m glad I have the radar to detect. I also know I’m no longer pretending my way into love.  I have a pretty good version of Love right now and it’s worth seeking and keeping.

 

Feelings, Flow, Energy are lighting up my pathway and I need it all. Because I’ve spend a lot of years looking down. I need all the help I can have to remind me to look up and around. This life is never to be experienced again. Feeling it is The Gift that keeps me IN purpose. That is the ultimate Intimacy….and I admit this does not sound Simple to achieve everyday.  The Light points the way.

 

 

Willy Wonka and the Hot Chocolate Orgasm

After the last post I was asked “why didn’t you give more details about what intimacy should sound like…your experiences?” I went blank and wanted to run and hide at the thought of sharing that deeply.

I cherish my privacy. I like that I am in charge of how much I show. Therein lies a possible problem. As much as I know that trust is a big part of whether I share me or not I also know it can easily become an excuse. Dualities are always close by. Then I remembered this title, so I’m willing. I had written a blog for it a while ago and it just didn’t work. You have to admit it’s a pretty good title. I don’t know where it’s going…but I’m going to push a little further and see how/if it all comes together.

Life is made up of more smaller moments than the big ones. We have to put the laundry away, sweep the floor, put gas in the car and talk over dinner. The nuance within daily life is the template for intimacy. We all become neglectful during the dailies, it’s natural. That subtle push-pull can accumulate, and as I’ve learned that’s not good. Now I know we aren’t caring throughout the day. We’re all selfish in many ways.

It’s when annoyances accumulate from the nuance and suppression begins. It’s a can of worms. Bit by bit intimacy deteriorates.

Just stop for a moment and think on the impact of these hiddens. It’s really important to know when the relationship has taken a turn away from behaving as a man and a woman and into immaturity. I’ve seen and been in the moments where the teasing became an annoyance like that of a brother and sister. Be careful here.

Simply put, there’s no way two people, that should be sleeping together in the same bed, can have mind blowing Willy Wonka Hot Chocolate Orgasms if they are treating each other like bothersome siblings, immaturely in any way, or not listening to each other with respect. Or maybe you can because you’re turned on this way…sorry and carry on.

For the others…

If I’m being reminded constantly that I’m not good enough…in the small things, the dailies, we don’t have intimacy. We’re faking it outside the bedroom and inside the bedroom. Making each other feel like we aren’t enough is a deterioration of our soul’s voice and our connection. When a human does it, speaks this way, it’s an abrasion against my skin that slowly tears away at the surface. We can live like this for a long time, faking, faking, faking…a lot of people do.

You know how poker players will wear hoodies and sunglasses to hide their tells? What’s a tell? It’s a response from the body to the lie that tells the world “I’m lying!” Gotta love energy. We’re made of God stuff. We’re energy. We’re love. How the hell can God lie to itself and the world without a ‘tell’?!! He’s like “come on people I’m fibbing! Help me here. Don’t tell me I didn’t tell you the truth. Because I am!”

The body can’t lie. If our connection is lacking outside the bedroom, my body, in the bedroom, won’t want to touch you and will rush through the moment to get it off the weekly check list. If there’s intimacy, then I’m going to slow down and give to the moments when we’re laying naked together. You’ll see care, love, patience and they need to exist inside to be expressed outside. Just can’t fake chemistry.

It comes down to want. Do I WANT to make it better and are we trying to?

The question is “how do you know what intimacy is supposed to sound like?”…I think it should stir a certain type of response:

If I hurt you I WANT to make it better, apologize, and never bring it up again to ‘dig’ into ‘us’. Hopefully I WANT to talk to you, share something silly, something deep, something daily, just because I want to hear your response. I don’t want to alter truth. I’m willing to hear what needs saying, just say it respectfully. I’ll look for clues in your replies because I don’t want to tell you want to say to me. I want to see if you are thinking about me through what you say. If we’re doing that we have intimacy.

Fundamentally, we’re free. Free will is the basis of our soul’s existence and that’s the experience through this human body. When there’s a contradiction to that essence the dissonance, friction, resistance from my soul to yours begins. I no longer want to be around you and I’m going to find ways to escape from you. That simple.

There’s nothing more beautiful than giving the gift of being who you are, as I am flaws and all, to be seen with and by the person you’re going to the bedroom with. The willingness that comes from acceptance creates a gentle bed for intimacy. Intimacy breathes through kindness and compassionate care. If that’s happening the entire house is the bedroom! I want that don’t you?

We are whole. We are complete. It’s a matter of finding voices that can show us that level in communicating. That’s the ticket to the Willie Wonka Hot Chocolate Orgasm and my soul wants to experience that as often as I’m able.

We are here to express love through our bodies.  When we do this more often than not, we are fulfilling our purpose. 

Sexuality, sex, making love, expressing a caress is an act of love and holds God, the entire Universe, in it’s very kiss.  Be careful with expression because it’s affect is beyond what we know.

Intimacy is in the Uncovering

Recently the word intimacy showed up and I started wondering if I really knew what it meant. I started working backward and thinking on what didn’t work. And there was a lot to uncover.

Intimacy is rare because it takes honesty. I used to see this side of myself as closed off. Not willing to share. There’s a lot of truth in that. I can have wonderfully open conversations with a lot of people. However not many know me. I always saw thought that trait in myself was cold. I’ve come to realize how wrong I was. It’s about trust.

It’s a special person that’s truly willing to let the guard down and I understand that. There’s a lot of interactions where we are telling each other what we needed to hear. I look back and think there were so many hidden agendas; very little truth. If we actually touched on an intimate moment it was inconsistent and the next day something changed us back to the reality we needed to keep.

In my experience, very few (and even fewer than that) are willing to truly explore intimately. I’ve pulled back and watched how much is being said that’s from expectation, judgement, control, and I’m glad I’m finally able to see honestly.  It does make me sad to see how much we are starving for intimacy, to be seen as we are, and very unwilling to do what it takes to have that in our lives. There’s such a strong need to keep things ‘normal’, and not ruffle feathers so we can get up on Monday and keep doing the same things.

I decided to rattle things to see what’s real and what’s not. I wanted to know where in my life I was willing to accept lip service, creating false expectations, and wanting to keep things falsely easy.

So the unraveling continues. 

It’s about underestimating. I’ve been undervaluing myself for so long that I didn’t even know when to give myself credit for being intuitive. I see the old behaviors, I can hear the words fall from my lips, I can tell I’m self-sabotaging and I can make a choice. 

When I paused it wasn’t a bad thing. I held my heart close to my chest for safe keeping. Now I realize it was intuition talking and I was unconsciously responding. It always struck me odd when someone is easily willing to use the word ‘love’.  Life has taught me to use that word carefully. I like my version. I’m glad I’ve been selective with whom to share my heart with.  I’m glad to discover I’ve been living from my nudges long before I knew I was.

One of my mottos is Trust Up I just have to keep remembering when I forget. As much as the world is filled with conspiracy, I’m grateful that the entire Universe is conspiring for me. I’ve asked life to give me better. Now I’m able to recognize what better is suppose to look and feel like it.  It’s showing up because I’m showing up.

Falling in-love with Potential

Last Chapter…

I fall in love with potential. Every time. This one tricks me, gives me a shy wink and I’m hooked. I dive into the soul of the other and become lost. The soul is gorgeous. That’s where all potential lies. That’s the problem because I should pay attention to see if the soul is communicating with the human. And more importantly if the human is able to listen; to step aside more than not.

 

Let me describe the beauty in this space. It is feeling the first morning sun as it heats the dew from cold, damp skin. The warmth is protective and sweet wrapping itself all around you both in assurance. The desire to hold delicately what’s expressed is intentionally witnessed and cherished. The experience is beyond words.

 

How can you not love being in that space? How can you not desire the soul’s intention to shape, speak through the human? Isn’t that the ultimate expression? Isn’t that why we are here?

 

Then something happens and my hand falls away. They forget for a brief moment of the love that resides here, and the human shows up soulless. My head spins and I think “what just happened?” Time can be a peacekeeper or a tyrant. Only the holder decides where he’ll turn. When I face the choice that shows itself I fall.  The anvil crashes on my head and I cry an ocean of tears, their soul’s and mine, for who they don’t want to be.

 

The mask comes on and I have to take the dream away. I ache for what’s lost. Just because I’ve seen the soul of the other doesn’t mean they want to live from that place. Then I remember again, that potential is the richest of desires trying to burst into reality, if this isn’t the striving then it’s the ultimate fantasy. Reality has a kick.

 

I married my husband for a lot of reasons and one was the person that was hidden underneath. He let him out on occasion and I loved him. He didn’t stick around. I hoped he would and I waited a long time for him to. Till I couldn’t wait any longer. Waiting for potential can be a losing game.

 

To witness a human walk away from the soul is the most devastating experience to be a part of. I wish it on no-one. My entire being aches. I’ve even become ill with the sorrow. I’ve repaired myself from each of these experiences and each time it’s like the first time.

 

The Next Chapter…

Here I am doing it again, and the best part that I didn’t see it coming…I’m happy, not broken, not crying, not meditating to feel and allow the heartache…oh God I’m so happy!  Feeling how our energy is no longer in alignment and the attachment is gone…this is freedom! I couldn’t have seen this moment in my future.  I’ve read about it and was still a doubter.

 

Oh wait, maybe that’s the connection to the jubilation I saw they were a doubter, not genuine, and accepted it. The dualistic nature resides in all of us.  I’m so damn happy to see it and not let it hold me back! The clues are always there I just don’t necessarily want to look because jumping in seems so much more fun.  What can I say I love experience. That’s the realization I’m not blaming. I’m valuing it as I should. I’m reflecting back on the signs the Universe showed me and honestly I felt the nudges I just ignored them…everything was there laid out. I’m just overjoyed not to be beating myself up and seeing this one as a loss.  Bliss.

 

I’m celebrating me!  This is the moment when I’m not broken because I walked away from a love….no that’s not true. I walked away from the moments that no longer held love. I’ve stepped into honoring me, the woman. I did it! I’m living it NOW!

 

I will say that I wonder if I will ever be able to witness the potential surge through the need to diminish one self. I don’t know, nor do I know of the outcome after I tell them our season has come. I showed up authentically. I gave love every step of the way even when they were not. I never held out love for more. I behaved and acted as a woman.

 

This is a good day. I’ve found the moment where I’m living me and not waiting for her to show up. I’m ready for my next chapter. Simplicity has helped me recognize that potential is the energy, the driving force within us…I’m not going to stop seeing it in you I just now know how to live it in me.