Intimacy is in the Uncovering

Recently the word intimacy showed up and I started wondering if I really knew what it meant. I started working backward and thinking on what didn’t work. And there was a lot to uncover.

Intimacy is rare because it takes honesty. I used to see this side of myself as closed off. Not willing to share. There’s a lot of truth in that. I can have wonderfully open conversations with a lot of people. However not many know me. I always saw thought that trait in myself was cold. I’ve come to realize how wrong I was. It’s about trust.

It’s a special person that’s truly willing to let the guard down and I understand that. There’s a lot of interactions where we are telling each other what we needed to hear. I look back and think there were so many hidden agendas; very little truth. If we actually touched on an intimate moment it was inconsistent and the next day something changed us back to the reality we needed to keep.

In my experience, very few (and even fewer than that) are willing to truly explore intimately. I’ve pulled back and watched how much is being said that’s from expectation, judgement, control, and I’m glad I’m finally able to see honestly.  It does make me sad to see how much we are starving for intimacy, to be seen as we are, and very unwilling to do what it takes to have that in our lives. There’s such a strong need to keep things ‘normal’, and not ruffle feathers so we can get up on Monday and keep doing the same things.

I decided to rattle things to see what’s real and what’s not. I wanted to know where in my life I was willing to accept lip service, creating false expectations, and wanting to keep things falsely easy.

So the unraveling continues. 

It’s about underestimating. I’ve been undervaluing myself for so long that I didn’t even know when to give myself credit for being intuitive. I see the old behaviors, I can hear the words fall from my lips, I can tell I’m self-sabotaging and I can make a choice. 

When I paused it wasn’t a bad thing. I held my heart close to my chest for safe keeping. Now I realize it was intuition talking and I was unconsciously responding. It always struck me odd when someone is easily willing to use the word ‘love’.  Life has taught me to use that word carefully. I like my version. I’m glad I’ve been selective with whom to share my heart with.  I’m glad to discover I’ve been living from my nudges long before I knew I was.

One of my mottos is Trust Up I just have to keep remembering when I forget. As much as the world is filled with conspiracy, I’m grateful that the entire Universe is conspiring for me. I’ve asked life to give me better. Now I’m able to recognize what better is suppose to look and feel like it.  It’s showing up because I’m showing up.