For Keeps

It has been too long since I have written, and the feeling of incompetence has set in. I have made attempts to understand why I feel no motivation here, especially coming out of 2015 with huge successes, and I have found my answer.

There is a part in me that does not believe the success earned is mine for keeps.

I know the unhealthy attachment to victim thinking, and how destructive it can be. It is covert in nature, a few pocketed secrets hidden in my cells that surface when exhaustion sets in. In those moments when I have given my all, and accomplished greatly, a sliver of soot glides up from between my shoulder blades and creates a playground with my thoughts. Then the old belief that “good for me is temporary” climbs into my ears.

The cycle of self-sabotage emerges.

This belief is no longer good enough. I am smiling. I had no idea I could capture the feeling from the other side of victimhood. I accepted that I was a person that would feel dampened throughout life.

The hardest thing to accept is that Purpose sits in Greatness, and then making choices to live up to all that I am. I have been running from this my whole life, and therefore create outcomes that support sub-standard. Last year I focused on proving my worth.  So it makes sense that when I was able to sit down, from exhaustion, I had to face what I have been running from.  You cannot run from yourself, no matter how hard you try.

I am going to tear this part of myself down – the self-destructive ways. Cell by cell. The way I will win is from hard ass work. Pure and simple.

How I have missed writing.  Things that I am not able to make out from thought, I can comprehend through pen.