One of them has been a friend for some time and as things go character is always the base drum it’s just recognizing it so. The beauty is that I have gents that are contributing to my life and wanting to. See he saw me during a time when I lay broken on the ground. Took me out for coffee and conversations to help me. There were a few friends that did this during this time. I love that cushioning. They gave me freedom to fall. It’s only recently in looking back that I see what a gift this was. I was too jaded to see it so.
This time of year brings on reflection with intent. I told them “thank you for being there during that time it means more to me than I can say. You never held anything against me. Not once did you treat me with disrespect. You’ve held onto the better version of me. Thank you for holding this space for me.” This became profoundly important to say because I did and am experiencing the opposite. Here I am again looking at someone looking at me through false glasses. Someone I considered close, that I thought could ‘see’ me, instead they expressed a shallow version and I was sent reeling. That’s the thing we don’t have what we think. We only have what’s shown and that’s often temporary. There’s nothing to do….that’s the deeper sadness. I’ve quietly slipped sideways, letting them be what they need to keep, to keep me away. It’s the erasing of what was shared that’s hard to bear. Altered realities seems to mess with the time continuum. As some things fall away other things come to surface. I’m focusing on what’s here. I am grateful to see honor expressed from a man, it is a beautiful thing to witness. I’ve seen it in my father, far too seldom times. I’m still glad I did. When a man is in that space, his shine is vastly bigger than the place he sits. I don’t even know if I can truly express this beauty. I just remember witnessing it young, and my soul smiled. I craved this experience and that’s been a large part of my searching. As necessary feminism was, and all the good it has done for many women, it has also ripped men and women apart from each other. Created a vast separation that now has communicating from defense, proving, arguments. There is an equal and opposite reaction to everything…if that’s true then it makes sense that the fiery force of this movement would have an extremely opposite result. When I was married, one thing we observed with couples is how rude they were to each other in public. Men saying disparaging things about their wives when she left, and women cutting their ‘men’ down at the knees with a sick look of pleasure. I shudder at the illness. We said that’s not something we should ever do. What problems we have need to stay in our house and never insult each other in public. Then it happened. I’ll never forget the shock I felt. I don’t want to. I want to remember the moment and NEVER do it to another. We were at dinner with friends and “……..” was spoken. He didn’t even recognize the horror on my face and the shame I felt for both of us. If there was a moment we were over it was then. It’s the same with this recent experience. I don’t want to forget what it feels like to create a false view of someone and speak to them from that place. The heartache keeps me humble.
I’ve known for some time that what I know isn’t good enough and I needed a new version of a man, men. So in order to erase my past views of men I’m expanded my horizon. I’m looking and paying attention to ‘how’ I want a man to talk to me. I want to learn how a man wants to be spoken to. I’m reading about men and women. This is the next experience for me. “What you are seeking is seeking you”. So just imagine my excitement when I see these men in my life giving me honor and grace. My smile is sweet. The Divine Feminine won’t settle for less. She wants it for us all. So these are my next conversations… I’m willing to be wrong. It’s more powerful than wanting to be right. I want to smash what I know because most of it didn’t work. I want to expand into the richness of wrongness. I want to grow into my friendships with males and females from this place of humility. Wrongness has a depth we’ve underestimated. I’m willing to break apart from what I know because that’s truly expanding and this is what my soul wants. My soul doesn’t want to be right, it wants to experience. And the only way to experience is to screw up. Being wrong, the mistakes, shame, the things we blame ourselves for, these things that we’ve labeled poorly are the very things that expand us beyond ourselves into reverence. That’s what the Universe wants. It’s own survival is based off expansion not complacency. I’m walking, and Honor is the gift of humility that I’m taking into the next moment with you.